I was inspired to write this blog because of a book I am reading. I have read many books, and I will surely reference them. But the latest, Mrs. D is Going Without by Lotta Dann is by far the best so far. Why? Because she has told the back story for me. Well, at least the guilt ridden screaming voice in your head telling you that you suck part. But unlike Mrs. D, I didn't wait until five o'clock. If you want to know more and really get some awesome advice, head on over to www.livingwithoutalcohol.blogspot.com. Mrs. D is the shit!
I'm 41. Married and have a fifteen and a three year old! That alone should explain why I drank. *wink*. Up to my mid thirties, I was an occasional social drinker. I was often amazed that in a family of hard hitters, I had somehow dodged the alcoholic bullet. Or so I thought. So what the fuck happened?!! This is my story.
I am on day 119 of my new life. Never in my entire life did I EVER want to be alcohol free. No frickin way! I managed the social fun and looked forward to drinks when the times called for it. Then I met wine. Oh glorious lovely Cabernet! I am going to streamline this here. Maybe in flashbacks later I will have stories to tell, and I definitely do, but it looked something like this...
Open a bottle, drink it. Repeat daily. One bottle not enough? Start buying the box, so that the guilt monster doesn't step in. But the good box for Christ sake! A box has four bottles. That was good for two days. Now go to lunch. Of course I will have wine with lunch! Before I head home from work, I will stop for happy hour and have a lovely Martini. Not wine, I have that at home. (I hope) Weekday? Weekend? Didn't matter. The only difference was the guilt level. Less guilt on the weekend. What is in the cup? Most likely alcohol. What kind? Depended. About the only thing I never did was drink a red wine in the morning. But white, absolutely. Best breakfast ever. I always had a drinking buddy too! Man were we bad for each other! A retired lady and a self employed make my own schedule lush. Look out back patio! We spent hours, days even, sitting on the patio drinking wine, smoking cigarettes and bitching about the world. Good times. Do that enough, and you will either see the problem, or die too soon. I had tried to quit drinking last spring, lasted a month, then I was in it harder than ever. I had tried because for the first time in my life, my Doctor called me an alcoholic. Well of course the blood work showed stress! There was an entire bottle of wine in my blood!! *snicker* I do think to this day that the results were a bit askew, because two weeks later they were all normal. Didn't matter. The fact that the Dr. pissed me off is beside the point. Or maybe a good point. So I have made it through tailgate season, Thanksgiving, Christmas and a New Years party at my house. I have easy days, and days that I want to smack the shit out of anyone I can. Being around alcohol is easy. Being around the effect of alcohol is not as easy. Quite irritating actually. I am still in the phase of figuring out why I can't moderate alcohol. But honestly I don't think I need to understand why I can't. I need to accept that I can't. When I run through what having a glass of wine tonight would look like, I still can not imagine having one glass of wine. I can imagine and feel every emotion that follows one glass. I'd want more. Much much more. I'd wake up the next day wanting an alcohol breakfast and lunch. And so it would be. So no. No wine for me. I can't be trusted. Knowing that, is a good and empowering thing. So here I am, planning to write it all down. Mostly for myself, so I have a record of success and a reminder of struggle. A map of my journey.
~Rae
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