Melancholy

Melancholy.

When something just isn't right, that is the emotion I feel. I guess not being able to figure it out and fix it, regardless of what it is, makes me sad.  Disconnected comes in a close second. Things just aren't right.
The next thing seems to be that I become an ass hole.  I know, you can't imagine it.  I have no patience when things are hectic. I have no patience for disconnected relationships.  Oh hey... maybe that is it...

Seems the only constant in life is yourself. But when "yourself" has been changing in so many new and sober ways,  and you add that to the loss of loved ones, the end of friendships, changes in the harmony of your marriage, challenges with your children, and the world as it is... melancholy.

I feel a great amount of work needs to be done. I know I can only work on me, but I'm seeing a need.  A first step I suppose in making sure that whatever this is, stops right now.

Observations and Affirmations

Year two in the books! Happy Anniversary to me. That is about all I have to say about me. Almost.

Year one was totally about me. Rewiring my brain to unplug all of the bullshit that society had programmed into it took some effort. I won't lie.  Drown your sorrow, celebrate your victory, unwind after work, relax, lunch date, dinner date, picnic, pool party, game day, vacation, holidays, milestones, set backs, busy mind, empty mind, EVERYTHING requires booze. Or so society and pretty much everyone I know thinks. eh hum...BULLSHIT...eh hum.

Year two was observation that led to affirmation. I have never, and I mean NEVER had someone tell me that the bottle of wine they drank to numb the pain actually took it away.  I have watched people celebrate only to see them end the night early after too much "fun". I have heard endless complaints of health issues. Beer guts, chubby tummies, diarrhea every day, swollen this and bloated that. Insomnia, lethargy, depression. I had it all and I've heard it all. You can't con a con. It's the booze!

So year three starts with me saying, I am stronger than ever, and hoping that more people will quit using a bottle or can to accomplish life. Because, life really is so much better without it!

Silence

160 no alcohol, 16 no smokes. Everyone still in one piece. My mind is too busy and life a bit hectic. I find cranky is the new normal, which I hate. So I generally don’t have much to say lately. Or can’t find the words. Silence and absence of deep thought are dear to me right now, which translates into mindless TV and couch surfing. It seems easy to miss being numb when I feel like I am waiting for this great new life to magically appear all because I quit drinking. I know it is a huge lie, numb is not better. Ignorance may be bliss, but then you are ignorant too! *rambling?*

Brain Drain 2

So this will sound nuts. I had a dead car battery this morning, a flat tire thisafternoon, and the garage door went nuts… but I had an exceptionally great day, laughing at the sheer maddness of it all, and its ability to clear my mind. And it didn’t make me want to drink which felt great!!

~Rae

Brain Drain

Holy hell! This sober mind is an interesting place. I’m actually a bit sick of how busy it is getting up in here! It seems as if I am CONSTANTLY obsessing about sobriety. The way I used to about alcohol. I am less an less thinking of WANTING to drink, but constantly aware that I don’t drink. I am not sad or angry (I was) about having to be sober. I am at peace with that decision, (today) but this constant awareness of it, is pissing me off! When will this not be my focus? I love blogging, and reading blogs and boozy memoirs, but in the last two days, I read a 460 page teen book, just to escape it all! Good read actually… Whaler. Anyway…. I have no idea if this makes any sense at all, but when you stop bending your brain, then what suggestions do you have for shutting it off? At what point does (and please say it does) your life not revolve around sobriety?

~Rae

Unwanted resentment

I am tired. Id like to go to sleep, but I am in such an irritated mood! I don’t even try to sleep when I am grumpy. Because I will inevitanbly lay there and get more irritated. Back when I would simply pass out from wine I never had that problem. But screw that fix! And if I were drinking, I wouldn’t be irritated tonight. But screw that too! I won’t be drinking, just venting on here. And thank you for that! So tonight what set me off is quite simple really. But my raw, sober and wide open new self just doesn’t know how to process all these feelings! So the President came to town. *I had no feelings about that* but my husband, is responsible for radio communicarions for this big event. Yes, big kudos to him. He is awesome. But this meant he worked all weekend and on a holiday and very late, because of course the pres is a last minute visitor! Anyway… the pres came in and went out and everything went brilliantly and my husband is awesome, and then he came home with cat litter and cat food and the tea I asked for….. and beer. And watching him email excitement and share photos and drink his beer one after the other… pissed me off. And my resentment pisses me off. My sobriety is a choice for me. It is for me, and I don’t need or want to force anyone onto my journey. Keep in mind, my husband is a “normie” and he had every reason to celebrate. If I could put any legit feeling to it, I guess it would be, I felt left out. I don’t celebrate with alcohol anymore. So now I just wish to cut him some slack, get over it and move along… but he is snoring! *end rant* thanks for listening.

Choices

Seems that daily we are reading blogs about the struggles of sobriety. How hard it can be. The effort it can take to stay the course. I am surely guilty of having the occasional pity party in my head. Oh woe is me!! Blah Blah Blah!! Today I was a bit smacked upside the head with some perspective.
My daughter is on her high school's competition cheer leading squad. This girl puts eleven months of the year of actual blood sweat and tears into this. She somehow still loves it. Her efforts to succeed at this sport are amazing.  Now here comes the zinger... those little fuckers keep dropping her!!! She is a flier. So they throw my baby in the air and I hope, looking through my fingers, that they catch her. Sometimes they don't.  So because of that, she has hit her head one too many times. Today we were told by a specialist, that she is DONE. Her little noggin can't take anymore. *sad mom face* She may not be done forever, but at least for this season. So all the effort, all the practice, and all the pushing through. The goal, taken away. I know my daughter is heartbroken.
So you ask, what is my point?
Sobriety is hard! It takes effort. But at the end of every day, it is up to us!! Nobody can take it away, nothing can happen to us and never is it beyond our control.  We choose to be sober. We choose this for many different reason. But today, I affirm my choice to honor my daughter. First, because she deserves a sober mom!! But really, because I have a choice in the matter. My effort needs to count. Nothing can stop me and I need to remember that. My fate, unlike my daughters, isn't in the hands of someone else. And I thank God for that!!

                                                       Love you Miss!!     
                                                                            Love Mom